Forgiveness

"It is very easy to forgive others their mistakes; it takes more grit and gumption to forgive them for having witnessed your own." - Jessamyn West

"We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." -Mohandas K. Gandhi

"We read that we ought to forgive our enemies; but we do not read that we ought to forgive our friends." Sir Francis Bacon

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend." William Blake

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:14-15)

How easily it is said and yet how difficult it is to do. I have struggled to forgive so many people for so many wrongs that I get angry when I cannot be forgiven by a friend. It cuts to the core when you feel so close to someone and then watch them point their finger and accuse you of wrong that you didn't intend to do. I am tired of feeling guilty for things that I have already asked for forgiveness for and been granted by my Savior only to have someone else bring them up and make me feel guilty all over again. 

So this is the end. I am done; I am forgetting the past and moving on. For those who want to move with me, I am happy to have you on the journey. 

Want vs Need

I am very excited because my sister is coming to visit! She will be at my house one week. This gives her enough time to visit all of the family (hopefully) and get to do some shopping and relaxing at home. I love it when we get together, we are amazingly alike with enough differences to keep it interesting.
My sister and I were raised by a single mother, and because of such, we learned very young how to take care of ourselves. I honestly think that because of that, we tend to befriend people who haven't had to take care of themselves or be completely independent. Now, Tabby is planning to move back home after she graduates in May. She wants to go to medical school or PA school, but she definitely knows she doesn't want to go out in VA. Now, she has a friend who has a very negative family. She is trying to move out (she's 21) and her family is throwing a fit and now not talking to her because she wants to move out. Tabatha is living with them at the current time because she left Jon, and she thinks that her friend would be better off moving away from the negativity of the family. So.....
We began discussing want and need. I have had a motto for years that I don't need anybody. I want people around, and I love to have friends and family, but I don't need anyone on this earth. I will continue to live, breathe, and be productive if I had to, with or without anyone. Now, I don't want this to happen, and I need my Savior, but I don't need anyone to make me a complete person. This is not to be construed as not wanting people around. I want my boyfriend to be with me, I want to have my family until they are gone from this life, and I want all the friends I can possibly have. My sister feels pretty much the same. Her friend wants Tabby to say she needs her to move out to Missouri with her. Tabby wants to have her move, but doesn't want her to move just to follow Tabby. I guess it's a catch-22. We want her to move out here with Tabby, but not to follow Tabby, just to get away from her negative family and see what life can be like in a different part of the country.
It makes me feel vulnerable to think that God wants me...He has a plan for me and wants what's best for me. However, if I choose to turn my back on Him, His plans will continue on. He doesn't need me to choose Him...I guess I can understand how it feels to want to be needed.

Christmas Bells Are Ringing...

So it's time for the holidays...a bittersweet memory of family memories gone by along with family members gone from our lives. Don't misunderstand me, I LOVE Christmas. It is, by far, my favorite holiday of the year. However, as I have grown in to an adult and watched the world change from the innocent view I held as a child, Christmas has become tarnished as well.

I am sick of a few things...which I will express before I say what I am thankful for, because I don't want to end on a sour note. I am sick of commercials, of people being nice only because its the holiday season, of Christ not being the center of Christmas, of feeling guilty if I don't get every friend and family member a gift, and of being sad because my mom isn't here with her crazy Santa voice calling to see what I want in my stocking. I am tired of the endless rush, of feeling like its the end of the year and I have no time to get anything done because it is soon going to be the start of school and *poof* two years of my life are dedicated to becoming a PA. I am tired of feeling like a horrible daughter to my real father and to my heavenly one. I am tired of being the smart one, the reliable one, the focused one, the successful one. I want to be carefree and reckless and just enjoy life ONCE without feeling guilty for letting someone down or forgetting someone.

I am blessed, I know that. I have a wonderful family, a loving boyfriend, friends all over the place who would do anything for me, and my loyal dogs who comfort me with their excitement just to see me. (However, they are also excited at the sound of the food container too, so I can't take too much stock in that.) I love the sight of Christmas lights, of baking cookies, of decorating the tree and the house. I love wrapping presents and the look on peoples' faces when they open them. I am a giver...I could care less if I get gifts, but it wouldn't be Christmas if I didn't get to give them.

So at the remembrance of our Savior's birth, I ask that you take time to just be free and carefree...and remember that it is a life more abundant we are supposed to live, here, on earth, not just in heaven.

It begins...

This has perhaps been too long in coming, too long since I let myself take a good look in the mirror and see what I was. Was this what I wanted to be at 25, was this the life I was looking forward to as a child?

No. It's not.

Am I who I want to be? Am I happy with where I am in God's plan? Am I following Him in all things, and seeking His path for my life?

No, I'm not.

I enjoy my life, I love my family and friends. I am not dissastified with choices I've made. I'm happy, I'm bubbly, I giggle, and I like getting out of bed most days.

Then why do I still feel like I'm missing something?